Her Royal Pain in the Butt
by CaptainLyssa
Summary: A Drabble that could be consistent with my longer work: Repercussions. I couldn't help picturing this when I watched the episode: Precious Cargo. The interaction between Kaitaam and Trip just reminded me of the Trip/T'Pol interactions in Broken Arrow and Unexpected.


Drabble: Precious Cargo

_Trip opens the escape pod._

_Kaitaama: This is meant for one person._

_Trip: We'll have to make do, unless you know how to fly one of these things._

_Princess Kaitaama attempts to get in the pod and Trip rolls his eyes._

"You know, it's at times like these," Tucker muttered under his breath, "I wish I was stuck with T'Pol."

Choosing not to acknowledge the man's comment, Kaitaama wondered how many staff a Chief Engineer from his planet commanded. So far Charles Tucker had mentioned two along with his vessels Captain. Deciding to remain quiet, it wasn't until they passed through the subspace barrier that they exchanged words again. Usually the First Monarch was worshiped wherever she went, her subjects falling over themselves to grant her every wish. It appeared her current companion did not like her at all. Not that it bothered Kaitaama, or so she told herself.

_Trip: This would be a whole lot easier if you'd stop moving around._

_Kaitaama: Your touching me!_

_Trip: I'm afraid I don't have much choice._

_How in hell's name do I get this stuck up Princess off my case_, Trip's mind reeled as she continued to berate him for inappropriate behaviour, _and let me get on with working out how to land this thing. Ah, I got it_, his subconscious declared as an evil idea entered his mind.

"Yah, well," Trip used his most sarcastic southern drawl, "where I come from its inappropriate to touch a married man." Reaching for a dial, he added caustically, "don't mind me. It's the wife I'd be worried about, when you have to explain your behaviour. Scary woman."

If Commander Tucker thought that comeback would work, he was sadly mistaken. The woman continued to nag. He considered turning off the universal translator but her mouth would still issue distracting white noise.

"Look," Trip attempted to continue being gentlemanly, even if this stuck up woman was doing his head in. "I've got less than twenty-four hours to figure out how to scan a star system and programme a descent sequence in a language I don't understand. I'm not going to get it done with you interrupting me every five seconds. Even T'Pol would know when to keep quiet and not argue with me."

"First Hoshi," Kaitaama looked at man as though a squashed bug beneath her foot. "Now T'Pol. How many wife's do your people have?"

"Only one," Trip stated, his mind too engaged on their current issues to follow the conversation closely. _At least her volume has decreased and her tone is less aggravating._

"And you argue with her?" Kaitaama asked, more than slightly confused.

"T'Pol?" Trip probed, not quite understanding the question, focusing on finding the landing thrusters. At the Princess's nod, Tucker smirked, recalling their last dispute. "All the time. It's like a sport between us. Now, lift your butt."

"I suppose you wouldn't speak to T'Pol in this manner," Kaitaama seethed, not moving a muscle to help. The fact he'd mention the person twice, seemed familiar with her and mentioned being married, lead the Princess to an incorrect conclusion.

"Damn straight," Tucker grumbled, physically climbing over her royal pain in the butt, "I wouldn't need to. T'Pol would know what I was attempting to achieve without me having to ask. She'd even help."

_Unlike some people_, hung in the air, unsaid.

Once he had the pod on course for a habitable planet and there were no further engineering tasks demanding his attention, Commander Tucker attempted to salvage this first contact situation. Pouting, and put in her place, Kaitaama crossed her arms protectively over her chest. The First Monarch declined every attempt at further conversation. It didn't stop Trip trying to be a gentleman, although even he had to concede that the old Tucker charm just wasn't working on this particular woman.

_After landing on the planet and finding solid ground._

_Kaitaama: You're bleeding. _

_Trip: It's just a scratch. _

_Kaitaama: Remove your uniform. _

_Trip: I'll take care of it later. _

_Kaitaama: We have no idea what microbes live in this environment. It could become infected. _

_Trip: I said later._

"You're my only hope of surviving here, Mister Tucker," the Royal pain declared, glaring at him. "I don't intend to let you die. On my world, it is a woman's duty to return a male to his wife, unharmed."

Looking at the woman as if she had two heads, Tucker simply shrugged his shoulders. If the almighty Princess wanted to believe he was married, he'd go with that. So long as she kept her mouth firmly closed until _Enterprise_ rescued them.

It was turning out to be a very disagreeable night, as Trip's first suggestion proved. Striping the pod of anything useful, Commander Tucker started to clear a camp site. It looked as if they might be here a day or two. Collecting kindling, he's started a fire to boil water. Requiring wood to keep the process going, he'd requested Kaitaama collect it while he considered how to find something edible.

"I'm not your servant. You're the one who was raised in a primitive environment. You find the wood," she demanded, once again crossing her arms protectively over her chest.

"What happened to," Trip took delight in using her words against her, "its a woman's duty to return a male to his wife, unharmed."

Smirking as his easy victory, her Royal Pain in the Butt moved to obey him without further argument. Trip decided it might be fun keep up the ruse until rescued. Careful questioning from Kaitaama about T'Pol hinted at the identity of the woman she considered his wife. It amused Commander Tucker, although he'd get a roasting from the Vulcan Frist Officer if she ever found out.

When they uncovered the homing beacon on the escape pod the next morning, Trip felt he'd baited the woman enough. They might even be in danger from her abductors. Kaitaama didn't bat an eyelid at his plan to use her as bait, should one of her captors locate them. The Frist Monarch placed herself in danger, allowing Tucker to disarm Goss. As his uniform had been used to perpetrate the ruse, of course the away team from _Enterprise_ found him in the company of a beautiful woman wearing only his underwear.

"Is this a bad time?" Captain Archer asked on finding the Commander knee deep in swamp water.

The Captain's smirk annoyed Trip. The First Officers expression screamed _typical_. Commander Tucker knew Vulcan's repressed their emotions, yet he could read T'Pol's face like an open book. He'd never live this one down.

Dumfounded, Trip could only watch on as Princess Kaitaama lent over and hissed in his ear, "I suppose that's the wife?"

Unfortunately, it had been loud enough for her sensitive Vulcan ears to hear. The Frist Officer smirked. At least Trip would swear she did.

"Hey, T'Pol," Trip marched over to the Vulcan, ignoring her raised eyebrow and the reaction from the rest of the away team, "am I ever glad to see you, darlin!"

"Indeed," was all the Subcommander could utter.


End file.
